Finding My Alone Time

Time alone used to be the most frightening thing I could imagine. I would do almost anything in my power to avoid it. I crammed activities and people into my life until the seams were bursting—responsibilities, social activities, work, children, friends, community, church, animals, family, chores… you name it, I crammed it. From the break of day until my head hit the pillow at night, I was constantly on the go.

Why was I so afraid of being alone? Because it meant being alone with my thoughts—alone with my feelings, my failures, my memories. It meant facing thoughts of inadequacy, disappointment, resentment, regret, and loss. I was alone with heavy, heavy thoughts that scarred me.

Knowing this wasn’t healthy, I began weekly counseling, and one of the things we worked on was my ability to be alone. In the beginning, I practiced sitting alone for 15 minutes—which I failed at three out of five times. Soon, we stretched it to 30 minutes, then an hour. I would sit on my couch and write a letter, read my Bible, or look through old pictures. As soon as the hour was up, I would rush off to do something with friends.

Eventually, I could be alone for four hours—working on projects, writing letters to friends, cooking, or even going to a movie or having a meal by myself. I began feeling less anxious and sad. I was taking the time to get to know myself, and I realized I liked me. Being by myself was actually becoming something I looked forward to.

Now, I love having Alone Time. I try to carve it into every day—time to walk and listen to the birds, feel my feelings, think my thoughts, and process my life. Alone Time has become crucial to my well-being. It is time to decompress—sometimes to laugh, sometimes to cry, sometimes to just be.

I have learned to be okay with myself, even when things are not okay. I have learned to just sit in the moment and let life happen around me for a bit. To take in the peace when I can.